LIFE OF MY STORY

Back in high school, my friend Tim Stroebel and I would play Spot the Neanderthal. Fast forward 11 years and change - I’m at a friend’s roach infested apartment in South Philadelphia watching Grandma’s Boy and I’m thinking of my friend Clayton Thomas Orrigo. For the past few years, he’s galavanting around the world with powerful people & beautiful women. But would he be if he was his Neanderthal? Anyone looking to play, join me.

I’m visiting a friend in South Philadelphia. “I just don’t get it,” he says while giving me the grand tour. Two floors, full kitchen, big bedrooms - I couldn’t believe how cheap their rent is. Until I woke up thirsty, went to the kitchen, turned on the light and found the cockroach hoard & wild insect kingdom. Yo Adrian, I get it.

The following events took place at the animal hospital just the other day. One after the other, this happened in less than 2 minutes.

My friend and I were scanning the crowd at a bar last night. Across the dance floor was a bald, portly man who could have been a cast member of Deadliest Catch for all we knew. Whitney Houston came on and this man started dancing - and touching himself - like a college girl on ecstasy. From what I’m told, he’s what you’d call a bear.

I’m driving with my cousin and she pokes my facial hair, wondering - as many 11 year olds do - about the relationship between mustaches & beards. “What’s it called when the mustache connects to your beard?” she asks. “Awesome,” I answer, “it’s called awesome.”

After spending an hour getting to know a beautiful woman on a train today, I handed her a ripped sheet of paper as she was leaving. On it was my facebook link rather than a phone number.

A friend and I were conversing through Facebook. She’s been unemployed for 2 years. When I offered to post about it, I asked for a picture of her. “No,” she said, “then I’d be hired because of my looks!” That was my intention.

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I’m on an airplane. A few rows in front of me, a heavyset man was speaking a foreign language. I fixated on the back of his neck. Every turn of his head created tiny speed-bumps of gelatinous skin. The back of his neck looked like something I’ve been looking at for years. Then I thought about Kenny Loggins and it all made sense.