Guest Author Sean Rigney February 16, 2010 10 Comments
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Snow Armageddon

Fuckin' Mitch

OK, so.. everyday at around 4 o’clock, I go to Genuardi’s to get a salad and a Starbucks Chai Tea Latte. None of that syrupy crap; real tea people! Usually no one is there. I am in and out in 10 minutes tops. Not today. Today is different. Today, the lines go for miles. Impatiently standing in the self-checkout line, I begin to notice a pattern. It seems all the Genuardi shoppers are purchasing the same items! All are carrying at least 3 of the following: canned foods, bread, milk, eggs, salt, winter gloves, snow shovels. I eavesdrop on the conversation to my left. “Gonna be some storm ehh Mitch?” Now I’m angry. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Has it NEVER snowed in your lifetime Mitch? Is the snow perhaps, different this time around? And what happened to the shovel you had last year, Mitch?  Fuck, what happened to the shovel you had for December’s storm? Was the snow too much for it? Or were you sitting at home, so bored with masturbation you thought, “I think I need a new snow shovel!”  Canned Goods!!?? Expecting a nuclear snow strike, Mitch? Has the Taliban figured out a way to transform snow for biochemical warfare? Mitch… you do know that winter gloves are reusable, right? They are not condoms. These questions and more fill my head as I wait, and wait, and wait. “Ohhff, I forgot to get ice and matches!” To Mitch and the rest of the Snow Armageddoners: Truly, fuck yourselves.

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Comments

Ryan Wetter

Feb 06 at 09:58 AM

It is snowing pretty badly. But really… snow is just cold water. How many shovels can one person buy? and have you ever noticed when he buys a new one, the old really is no where to be found?

 
Kevin Stroebel

Feb 06 at 10:05 AM

It really is outrageous how people act..It’s north east coast fucking adapt..Btw Riggs we need to have a FNL and Lost chat asap

 
Marcy Walker Smith

Feb 06 at 10:10 AM

Perhaps snow shovels have become the ‘lost socks in the dryer’ of the 2000’s.

 
Wesley O'Donnell

Feb 06 at 10:47 AM

all probably jets fans too kev.  douchers

 
Uncle Fun

Feb 06 at 11:31 AM

Great rant. Adam Carolla would be proud. Oh, and the words I see below: I can’t fucking read them! Three fucking times! Is this a blog where people attempt to write humorous anecdotes or FUCKING TICKETMASTER! I hate. Now on attempt number four. OK, this is a joke, right. Ryan’s just fucking with me, right? Number six. I think I can read this one. It says jawbone proposal. Two actual words. They don’t make sense next to each other, and perhaps not even in a sentence. Maybe they’re playing the side stage at Coachella on the night Muse is headlining. OK, here goes.. . Nope still didn’t work I’m starting to think it’s me. Ahh! any backhoes… I can do this… Nope. Fuck You Ryan.

 
Ryan Wetter

Feb 06 at 12:30 PM

smile a few days ago, Facebook made me type in “Fecal Edward”

 
Ryan Wetter

Feb 06 at 02:38 PM

See ... Fecal edward: http://bit.ly/cYHpxc

 
Sean Rigney

Feb 06 at 05:46 PM

hahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahah
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
I am laughing my ass off right now…my Uncle John’s response was better than my rant!!!!

 
David Guest

Feb 07 at 04:41 AM

Sean, rarely do I read something by myself and laugh my ass off.  This was great.  When I used to work in the supermarket, it was classic of people to bum-rush the grocery store the night before a storm, then on the day it snows, return to the grocery store in their “monster trucks” to buy more stuff.  It would always be the same people.  Great stuff man.

 
Baba

Dec 31 at 07:51 AM

Hahha ! Good good , indeed very good i would say. hahaha
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